I’ve been retreating
Is it so I can move forward?
Looking back on the last year or two I realise I’ve been retreating from many of the things that I Iove doing.
Drawing, reading, writing, comedy improv, going on walks, crafting, playing guitar, cooking, baking, playing board games, watching movies (latter is ironic considering I write about movies) and more.
All the things that give me pleasure, that are good for my well-being and mental seem to be slipping away.
I do them all occasionally but the moments are few and far between.
You will have noticed this through the distinct lack of posts here.
Some of them, such as playing board games, do require the involvement of other people and schedules can be tricky but even so that is way down the past year.
Thankfully, Dungeons & Dragons and other roleplaying games still take place at least once a week so not everything is slipping.
Is it because there are just so many things and not enough time?
Possibly, yet I can zone out scrolling aimlessly on my phone or lose hours watching countless videos of nothing much on YouTube.
I’ve started the bar job which does take some hours from my weekend, but there are still many more left through the week. Plus working at the bar gives me the human connection and conversations that are as varied as the many different beers we get in.
One of the small moments of reading I’ve managed recently is Katherine May’s Wintering. It was this that made me realise of this retreat from my passions was happening. I’d maybe noticed it subconsciously or in part but the book made me see just how prevalent it had become.
Was it a retreat so I can rest or something more. Do I fill up these hours so I don’t think on sad things such as those I’ve lost and who I may never see again?
Is it ADHD or just procrastination making me jump from one to the other with diminishing returns.
When I do read, draw, write and so on, I do enjoy them and the world around me drops away. Sadly the passing of David Lynch got me to finally draw a portrait of him I’d thought of doing first the past few years.
I also want to write something a little more cheery here, but we will get there.
Maybe more structure is needed. Or just focus on one or two things to begin with. A timetable of creativity could be just the tonic.
I do feel that realising that this retreat has happened can only be a good thing. Recognising it means I can work on moving away from it, but I must ensure that time to rest is still a part of whatever schedule I keep.
Yet for the moment I feel January is part of my hibernation and, as the days lengthen I will step back out into the world and say “Just remember what ol’ Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol’ storm right square in the eye and he says, “Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it.”